


ain’t no car too smart for me

by doctorwhomst



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: @ the Sonic Dildos(tm) i hope y'all are happy, F/F, Space Wives, no one read this thanks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-07 20:37:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15915789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorwhomst/pseuds/doctorwhomst
Summary: The Doctor thinks that she has no problems with piloting the TARDIS but River seems to disagree.





	ain’t no car too smart for me

**Author's Note:**

> the ridiculously amazing & incredibly talented Imogen created [this fantastic art](https://ginnsfw.tumblr.com/post/177883979559/me-and-diaryofriversong-collaborated-for-some) based on this fic so go check that out!
> 
> title is from the musical Bonnie & Clyde bc i'm a nerd

“I can fly the TARDIS perfectly well!” the Doctor is arguing, hands on her hips as she pouts at River. She is aware she’s not the most talented person when it comes to flying the ship but she feels obligated to defend herself because she’s had this blue box for so long now that she she should be able to fly it by now. It is almost embarrassing that she had stolen it over a thousand years ago and she still can only barely pilot it but she figures someday she’ll learn, which is something she has been figuring for the past thirteen regenerations.

“Can you really?” comes River’s voice from across the room, sounding lazy with a sort of distance and vague disinterest, as if she isn’t putting too much effort replying because it is just _so blaringly obvious_ that the Doctor _can’t_ fly the TARDIS perfectly well. They have had this conversation several times before, usually when the Doctor has just brought them to the wrong place and is trying to pass it off as a one time accident. River shakes her head fondly because the Doctor’s inability to fly the TARDIS is, as annoying as it can be, quite endearing and she honestly would never have it any other way. The Doctor frowns as she reaches out to pull a lever on the console but River’s voice stops her in her tracks when she says without even looking up, “Other lever, dear.”

The Doctor huffs and pulls the lever River told her to. There are not any sudden jolts and neither of them are being thrown to the ground, which she expects would have happened if she had pulled the lever she initially was going to pull, so she assumes that River was right. She does not have to look at River to know that she has that special smug little smirk on her face, the one she saves only for when she proves the Doctor wrong. It makes the Doctor’s frown deepen; this is not the first time she has sulked over River’s flying skills exceeding her own and she is very certain it won’t be the last. She’d almost say the TARDIS does it on purpose just because the ship likes River so much, she really wouldn’t put it past her old girl. “Just because you think you can fly her better than I can—”

“I _know_ I can fly her better than you can. And even if she didn’t teach me how to fly her herself, I’d still be better than you because you couldn’t fly her to save your life,” River declares, cutting the Doctor off, standing up from where she had been sitting and making her way to where the Doctor is. The TARDIS makes a sort of whirring noise, and it’s clear that she is agreeing with River’s statement. The Doctor gives both of them an affronted look; this is _her_ box, she stole her fair and square, and now she’s being insulted by her own spaceship. The Doctor shakes her head and begins to protest again.

“This isn’t fair,” the Doctor insists, watching as River reaches out and places her hand flat against the wall, as if giving the ship silent praise. The TARDIS hums in response and the Doctor realizes that was exactly what River had been doing. “You can’t both gang up on me!”

“Of course we can. Especially when what we’re saying is true.” The TARDIS makes another sound of agreement and River grins while the Doctor gives the console a look of betrayal. “Okay, if it isn’t true then give us an example of a time you have ever brought us to the right place. Because I surely cannot think of a single one.”

The Doctor is quiet for a moment as she runs through her head everywhere they’ve gone recently that she drove them to, trying to really think so she doesn’t _completely_ lose her dignity. She says at last, “That one date we went on. When we went to the opera with the reptiles.”

“Darling,” River deadpans, and it’s clear she’s trying not to laugh. The Doctor’s brows furrow because she knows for sure they ended up at the opera, which means she must have brought them to the right place. “We ended up on the wrong planet and we nearly died.”

“Oh.” She frowns again as she remembers what had happened before they landed on the reptile opera planet that day. “Well... there must be a few occasions where I flew correctly. Or at least one occasion. Right?”

She stops talking when she sees River slowly shaking her head, deciding all she’s doing is digging a further hole for herself. River just laughs and comments, “You’re cute.” The Doctor scrunches her nose in distaste and River practically melts despite herself, reaching out to tap it.

“If you’re so good at piloting the TARDIS, then why don’t you do it now?” the Doctor challenges. It’s not even a real challenge because there is not a single person who could fly a TARDIS as well as River. But the Doctor is stubborn so she says it and then immediately regrets having done so because River gets this mischievous look in her eye that makes the Doctor want to quickly backtrack.

“I have a better idea,” River says smoothly and the Doctor subconsciously straightens up to be closer to River’s height because she’s not sure she likes the sound of this. River’s ideas are always dangerous or they end very badly for the Doctor, or both. “If _you’re_ so good at piloting the TARDIS, then why don’t _you_ do it now?”

The Doctor eyes River suspiciously because that doesn’t sound too bad since she was going to have done that either way, so she figures there must be some ulterior motive that River isn’t telling her yet. But the Doctor has never been one to back down from a challenge so she says, “Fine. Where are we going?”

“How about somewhere simple,” River suggests. The Doctor narrows her eyes because River has this edge in her voice that sounds like she knows something the Doctor doesn’t, and the Doctor has learned not to like that edge and to run far away whenever she hears it. But the Doctor is now in too far to change her mind without admitting defeat so she doesn’t say anything. “How about the Perseus Cluster, perhaps?”

“That’s easy,” the Doctor claims, even though she knows she’s going to somehow mess up getting there. But she continues, “I could do it with my eyes closed.”

The Doctor reaches out to begin. All she needs to do is pull a few levers and switches and hit a few buttons and then they’ll be there, but River grabs her arm to stop her. The Doctor gives her a confused look and she says, “Give me your sonic.”

“What?” the Doctor asks because it’s not as if she could use her sonic to somehow cheat and make sure they end up in the right place but River merely holds out her hand. The Doctor reaches into her pocket and takes it out, placing it onto the open palm. “What do you need it for?”

“Oh, nothing much,” River answers, basically waving the Doctor off, her voice almost absent minded as she gestures for her to carry on. The Doctor hesitates for a moment but she tries to start again. This time, River reaches out to slide the Doctor’s suspenders off her shoulders, who jerks her hand away from the console as if she’s been burned.

“What are you doing?” The Doctor falters because she _thinks_ she knows what River is doing but she feels like this is something that shouldn’t be happening unless they both want to die or accidentally end up in a volcano or somewhere else equally as bad. River just shushes her and takes her hand, guiding it back to where it had been.

“Don’t mind me,” River murmurs as she leans in closer, pleased when she feels the Doctor shiver against her. She presses a kiss that is much too far from innocent to the side of the Doctor’s neck and the Doctor just knows that River knows that she can feel her smirk against her skin. “It’s okay, just continue what you were going to do.”

The Doctor hesitates but she figures that if River is trying to distract her by only kissing her, then this shouldn’t be that difficult. But then River moves her hands to the waistband of the Doctor’s trousers and she has to bite her lip to hide the smile that wants to emerge when she hears the noise the Doctor involuntarily makes. She sneaks one hand underneath and then pauses there, waiting in case the Doctor tells her to stop. The Doctor says nothing, knowing that she should put an end to this before they end up in a black hole but she looks at the console in determination. River begins moving her hand downwards again and the Doctor inhales sharply, automatically leaning into River’s touch before she can stop herself.

“There are humans on board,” the Doctor says after a moment, but she’s certainly not protesting even as she comes up with an excuse. “They could come in at any moment.”

“Don’t worry about them. Just focus on flying,” River reminds the Doctor, who had not been making any effort to drive.

“You didn’t say you’d be making it difficult for me,” the Doctor says practically through gritted teeth, not wanting to give River the satisfaction of hearing her come apart. This is showing itself to be a lot harder than she thought it’d be but she has to prove River wrong so she goes to press a few buttons that she hopes will take them in the right direction.

“It’d be difficult for you either way.” River gently bites the Doctor’s earlobe and the Doctor can feel any coherence she may have had beginning to completely slip away. She doesn’t know how River is expecting her to safely get them somewhere when she can barely even think straight right now.

“What,” the Doctor begins, but then River does a _thing_ that has her almost swooning and struggling to catch her breath so she has to cut her sentence off, “what did you need the sonic for?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” River takes the sonic screwdriver in her hand again and she asks almost conversationally, “Did you know this has a third setting?”

“...No?” the Doctor asks, unsure where River is going with this. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Not much,” River lies, replacing her hand with the sonic and watching as the Doctor gasps, reaching out to hold onto the console to keep herself standing upright. “It certainly looks like you’re in for a treat, though.”

The Doctor’s body is still fairly new to her and she almost doesn’t know how to deal with what she’s feeling right now, everything is so overwhelming but it’s all in the best possible way. River seems to know exactly what she’s doing and exactly what the Doctor likes, and it only makes sense because this is River — of course she knows everything. It shouldn’t take the Doctor by surprise anymore at this point but she has to shut her eyes and she feels a noise rising from the back of her throat that she tries to swallow and she isn’t even sure if the sound does make its way out or not because so much is happening and she can’t remember the last time she was _this_ buried in so many different sensations.

She turns away from the console and towards River, who gladly pulls her closer as the both forget about the task at hand. The Doctor finds herself just trembling in River’s arms, more than happy to let her do what she wants especially when it feels this good and she seems extremely well versed in doing this.

“River,” the Doctor is saying before she even realizes she’s doing so. Her head is spinning so she buries her face into River’s neck to regain at least some of her stability and all she can see is River’s curls and all she can feel is what River is doing and everything is only River River _River._

She’s not entirely sure what happens but she opens her eyes and looks up at River’s face to see her looking back down at her.

“Well, you didn’t get us to the Perseus Cluster so... the only explanation is it looks like you’re not as good as piloting the TARDIS as you say you are,” River teases, a smile forming at the Doctor’s pout.

“I didn’t even get the chance to do anything!” the Doctor argues but she leans up to kiss her and she mumbles, “I hate you.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is for the Sonic Dildos. i always knew one of us was going to make cursed content involving the screwdriver but i had really hoped it wouldn't be me. rip


End file.
